Weiner-Dog Woman

I’ve had this idea for over FIVE DECADES now. I can’t say why it came to me. There was a woman who was the star of a sitcom back then. I later saw her in a made-for-TV-movie in q teddy, the first time I can recall seeing a teddy. And, for some reason, I pictured the transformation the woman in this story undergoes. (It’s been pointed out to me that it’s similar to what happened to Sarah Jessica Parker’s character in Mars Attacks! But that was done by alien surgery while this is definitely magic. And, as I said, I first had this idea over 50 YEARS ago, long before Mars Attacks! ) All I’ll say is I hope people who visit this blogs find it worth reading. And the art, once again, is by the wonderful Lady Kraken.

She didn’t sleep at all that night.  But that wasn’t so surprising.  After all, it was the first night after THE CHANGE.  She had no idea how the change happened.  Or why the change happened.

She’d been preparing for the night for weeks.  She had been exercising, getting every bit of unwanted fat off of her body.  Her legs, she thought, were fantastic!  Her breasts were perkier than they’d been in years.  This was going to be her first sex since Charlie had been killed by that damned drunk driver.  And, OOOOH, did she want Steve.  She’d found out what he liked, and she’d gotten everything.  A garter belt, unbelievably sexy nylons.  The most delicate perfume she could buy, but just a couple of dabs behind her ears.  Then, she slinked into the room where he was waiting, as anticipatory as she was, she knew.

And then — THE CHANGE. 

It happened so quickly.  Had there been an actual “poof?”  All she knew for sure was that things were so different!  It took several minutes for her to realize just what had happened to her.  The first difference she noticed, and how could she not, was that everything around her was suddenly higher.  Counters, chairs, the bed, nightstands.  Had they all grown?

Then, Steve began to chuckle.  Shirl turned to look at him.  And it took a little longer for her to do THAT!  Her legs and arms weren’t moving in the way she was accustomed to.  Her feet were different.  Her hands were strange.  She managed to look at them and was dismayed (and was ever a word insufficient to describe what she was feeling then) to find that she no longer HAD hands.  In their place were PAWS!  That’s when she decided to look herself over.  She looked over her shoulder and found that her butt, the bottom she’d worked so hard to make shapely and firm, was gone!  Instead was something muscular and covered by — hair?  Fur, brown fur?  And, in the middle of what she realized was now her bottom was something long and pointed!  It had been movcing fro side to side, but that stopped when she realized what it was.

“Wondering about yourself, Shirl?” asked Steve.  He got off the bed, stood up, towering over her.  He reached down, grabbed her by her mid-section, and picked her up.  He set her down on top of the dresser, right by a mirror that gave her a good view of what she had become.  She felt like screaming, letting the world know about the indignity of her new body.  But, instead, a long, high-pitched WHINE escaped from her nose.  A whine that matched her shape perfectly.  The whine of a  dachshund, which was what her body was now.  Her head was the same as it had been moments before, maybe a little smaller, proportionate to her body.  But that body had gone from that of a sexy woman, a woman all set to get it on with a man, to the elongated, short-legged body of a dachshund.

She instantly flashed in her mind on a movie from (that long ago, already?!) 25 years ago, Mars Attacks!  In it, a woman, the one from Sex in the City, had her head grafted onto the body of a chihuahua.  She had laughed at seeing it. at how it looked.  But she wasn’t laughing at this, and had a feeling she looked even more ridiculous as a dachshund, a — a weiner dog woman!

“How did this happen?” she cried.

“I have some theories.  I don’t share this with many people, but I guess you deserve to know.  My ex is a witch.  A real, live, spell-casting witch.  When we broke up, she accepted things fine.  But she had family members who did not.  And they’d be determined to see to it that any future partners wouldn’t get too far with me.  So, when they realized what we were getting ready to do, they may have decided to make sure I wouldn’t want to do it with you.  And, so, they did — THIS to you!”

As he was talking, a grin appeared on his face, accompanied by another chuckle.

“Steve!  You’re laughing at me?!  How could you?”

“I’m sorry, Shirl.  I’ve been looking forward to tonight as much as you have.  But to see your body go from that sexy sight to this, well, silly shape, it’s kind of funny.  I feel sorry for you, but, well, I can’t help but chuckle!”

And he did laugh at her.   And the situation was so hurtful to her that Shirl wanted to growl and bare her teeth and bite what she probably would’ve had in her mouth before she changed anyway.  But, if she changed back, that would’ve burned a bridge she wasn’t willing to burn just yet.  And, suppose it had happened to Steve.   Could she honestly say she wouldn’t have laughed?    

“Steve,” she said.  “Could you reach into my purse and bring me my phone?  I want to call Laurie.”

“Your daughter?”

“Yes.  Let’s face it, nothing is going to happen now.  You don’t want sex with me, I’m sure.”

“What about you?”

“I’m still horny, but in a wilder way.  I’m in heat, I guess.  And for that reason, I don’t want to go outside on my own.  I may be giving off a scent that would attract any male dog in the area!  It might solve being horny, but I don’t want to take a chance on any results.  You can keep the room, get drunk on the champagne, stream XXX movies, whatever you like.  You can even phone for a hooker if you want to.”

“No.  I wanted to be with you.  But you’re right, not like this.  If nothing else, I’d hurt you.

“I’ll call Laurie, and then my ex to see if she can get this fixed.”

Steve took Shirl’s cell phone and called Laurie’s number.  He had to hold the phone so Shirl could use it.  Fifteen minutes later, there was a knock on the door.  Steve opened it and there was Laurie

“What’s going on?” she asked.  “Mom wouldn’t say over the — “

Then, she saw her mother, who Steve had put on the bed.  Laurie also had an urge to laugh, but suppressed it, which wasn’t hard to do when she saw Shirl’s expression.

“Oh, Mom!” said Laurie.  “What happened?  How are you feeling?”

“I’m a damned wiener dog!”  said Shirl.  “I’m in heat, and I look ridiculous!  And, right now, I just want to go home  I’ll explain everything in the car.”

And so, Shirl wasn’t sleeping that night.  Her youngest, Evan, had the expected reaction when he saw his mother.  But, later, he knocked on the door and came into the room.

“Mom?” he said.  “I can’t sleep.”

“Neither can I, baby,” said Shirl.  “This is strange for both of us, isn’t it?”

“Uh-huh.  Can I get in bed with you?”

Shirl gave her consent and Evan got in the bed next to her, gently hugging her.  And, something about the arrangement, the proximity of the two to each other, the scent, something, had them both sleeping in fifteen minutes.

The next day was busy.  Everyone agreed that Shirl should see a doctor AND a veterinarian.  Luckily, Shirl knew two women who were each in one of those professions.  Even better, their practices, though in separate offices, were in the same building.  It was decided to bring Shirl in inside a pet carrier.  And, for that reason, they’d all meet at the office of Francine, the vet. 

Things were still awkward for Shirl.  She was taken into Francines business with a towel covering the front of the carrier.  

“Does he have something catching?  Or unusual?” asked another woman in the waiting room.

“Unusual,” said Laurie, who had brought her mother in.  (Evan was with them.)  “And it’s a she.”

“Is it a kitty or a doggy?” asked the little girl who was with the woman who asked the question.  

“Um, let’s say a doggy.”

“What’ve you got in there, a wolf cub?” asked a man holding a german shepherd on a leash.

“It’s hard to explain.”

“She’s not catching, is she?”

“No.  In fact, we’re probably going to get her a few shots.”

Before the man could ask why Laurie didn’t know if her dog should get shots or not, the shepherd had gone up to the carrier, sniffed the front, made a small “Woof!” and then pulled the towel off of it.  This made the shepherd look inside quizzically, then back up with a muted “woof!”

Everyone in the office looked at her.  Finally, the little girl said “Mommy?  Is that a lady in there?”

“I’m — I’m not sure, baby.  I don’t know what it is!”

“I do,” said the shepherd’s owner.  “It’s a humanimal.  There are less than a dozen cases around the world every year.  This is the first on I’ve seen up close!”

Shirl could think of nothing to say.  No one could.  But the shepherd’s owner whipped out his phone and took a picture of Shirlf.  To his satisfaction, he got a good image of her face with the dog body behind it.

“Hey!” said Evan.  “That’s my Mom!”

“And it’s a lot of hits for me on my webpage,” said the man.

Evan was getting mad, but a woman came out and told Shirl to come on back.

“You weren’t kidding!” said Magnolia, the general practitioner, in her light Southern accent.   “I’m not sure I’ve ever even heard of anything like this before.”

“I have,” said Francine, the animal doctor.  “It doesn’t happen too often, but it does happen.  You know there are a few magijc users, and very skilled ones at that.  You remember the story of the ostrich woman about 20 years ago?”

“I was a little girl then, only about eleven.  I thought it was something my aunt made up.  But it was real?”

“Very much so.  That lady’s in a combination zoo and asylum now.”

“I hope I don’t end up like that,” said Shirl.

“Any odd effects you can think of, Shirl?”

“The thing I’ve noticed most is an awareness that, instead of breasts, I have teats, I guess you’d say.  Six of them!  After I first changed, I was inclined to crouch down and hide them from everyone.  But I’m used to the diffrence now.” 

The examinations were thorough and not in any way routine.  Shirl’s temperature was taken both orally and anally.  She was given shots for rabies, distemper, and other canine diseases as a precaution.   There was nothing approved to kill the canine sex drive, and Magnolia didn’t want to try any human such drugs.  There were reservations about their uses as it was, and no way of knowing if they’d be safe for a dog to take.  All Magnolia and Francine could suggest was for Shirl to stay inside if she found herself in heat.

While her temperature was being taken, Shirl’s tongue slid out of her mouth. It slid all around her face, while Laurie watched in amazement and dismay.

“I’ve heard of this,” said Francine. “Seen it plenty of times. But it’s theorized that dogs will lick over their faces in times of stress. Probably, having your temperature taken like — that — would count.”

As they went to check out, Shirl knew she had no bill.  She’d agreed both doctors could write up the case, which would probably get them considerable acclaim and money.  And, outside, the man with the German shepherd had gone.  There were new patients there and all of them, both human and animal, gave Shirlf more than enough attention.

Francine had a slip for Shirl to take with her to prove she’d had all of her shots.  She also gave Shirl a dog tag and a collar, one long enough to fit around Shirl’s neck.

“Do I really need this?” Shirl asked.

“I checked, and it’s a gray area.  I recommend wearing it whenever you go outside.  And I’d also stay on a leash.”

“This is all so weird,” said Laurie.

“I’m sorry that man gave you so much trouble earlier,” said the little girl’s mother.  “But I have to admit, I was tempted to get a picture, too.”

“I understand,” said Shirl.  “In fact, Laurie, let me out of the carrier.  And get me a leash.”

“Are you sure?” asked Laurie.  Shirl nodded, and Laurie opened the door to the carrier.  Shirl walked out onto the counter and swept the room with her eyes.  Not quite a half-dozen phones came out and took her picture.

“Can I pat your head?” said the lttile girl.


“It’s alright, Laurie,” said Shirl.  She gave the little girl a big smile and said “Go ahead.”

The little girl patted Shirl’s hairdo (Shirl had spent so much money on it for Steve — she wouldn’t do that again unless she could decide a hairdresser or a dog groomer should get the job) lightly.  At  Shirl’s suggestion, Laurie set the wiener woman on the floor and the little girl gave her a hug.  The office filled up with smiles and Shirl let Evan walk her out of the building. 

It didn’t surprise Shirl a bit that she was on the news that night.

Shirl followed the advice of both doctors.  She slept most of the two days after the visit and wondered if the drowsiness was a side effect of the shots.  She worked out a routine with the kids for when to take her to the dog park.  They had let her roam loose in the backyard, but there was a horrible incident when another dog got through the fence and chased after Shirl.  (She later admitted that she had gone into heat to Laurie but was too lazy to mention it.)  Eventually, both dog and dog-lady got out.  Shirl fought her canine instincts and kept herself away from the other dog by hiding under a porch with a hole in its lattice.  But this led to another problem later.  The underside of the porch was infested with fleas!  Laurie got naked to give her mom a flea-dip.  Even Shirl had to laugh at the sorry sight she made when she saw herself in the mirror.

Shirl had company during her wiener-woman days.  Most of it was from friends who tried to commiserate with her state, though they admitted to having to see it for themselves.  Weeks went by and the neighbors became used to Shirl’s dogginess.  The children were happy to see her at the dog park, ready to pet her, hug her, and toss her treats, which she did find tasty.  She’d do tricks for them as best she could, rolling over, begging.  (She never played dead.  The kids found that too creepy, and so did she.)

Then, one day, with nothing of note in the way of difference, Shirl was in the dog park.  She was begging, when there was a sudden shift in reality.  Everything around her was suddenly lower than it had been.  She felt cooler, and noticed some of the parents were hiding their children’s eyes.  (And some of the dads were looking at her VERY intently.)  She suddenly had a feeling about what had happened.  She looked down at herself, and saw that she had her human body back.  She wasn’t embarrassed, she was relieved.  

But she didn’t want to offend her neighbors or give the kids a look at her goods.  She stood up, keeping her gaze fixed on looking ahead of herself, and then began to walk out of the park.  Laurie used to keep a set of clothing in the car, but had stopped doing it, apparently thinking the wiener-dog was here to stay.  Shirl just headed to the car, prepared to scrunch down once inside.

As she continued walking, avoiding eye contact with anyone around her, she began to feel a little strange.  Her ears felt funny.  She was losing color perception in her vision.  And everything had a much stronger scent than it had recently.  But Shirl thought little about these things.

UNTIL, she got in the car, glanced at the rear-view mirror — and saw the dachshund’s head looking back at her.

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